It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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