Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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