very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
