I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i dont even know how to be here
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 ðŸžðŸ·
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