I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
