chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize