i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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