I can text with my tongue
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
