i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
