I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize