If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
