i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
