dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
