So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Come share oat with me in your robe
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
