theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
