he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
