If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
