She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
