i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
