Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
