Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
