I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
