girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
