My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There r osticjed everywhere
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize