Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
