the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
