my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
