Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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