I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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