I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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