i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
