My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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