I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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