With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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