No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
