I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
