That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
