don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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