the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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