Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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