i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
