i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
