They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
