A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
