Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
