I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
