I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
