Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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