eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
