he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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