So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
