if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
