Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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