I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
