I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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