so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
