I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
