i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
