I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
