I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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