I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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