Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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