Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
